BEATING OFF!
by md owl
Summary: Agent J must never surrender. For the sake of the people he loves he must team up with his friends Morris and Spin to stop the evil Eggfox from taking over the world! But he must be wary, for old foes may rear their fiendish heads...
1. Chapter 1: Agent J

At Beat HQ, there was a man named J. He was an agent, but he had lost his beat. As they called out to him, Morris and Spin moved in.

"Come on J, we need you!" they preached in rehearsed unison. He has to practice his beat techniques, because an agent's work is never done. J sat in the corner of his office, twiddling a lock of red hair in between his fingers, tears streaming from underneath his orange-black sunglasses.

"If only I had been brave enough" he whimpered swankily, he had lost his closest friend Derek in the field, to the explosive after effects of an immense beat. Cthulhu had risen and Derek had heroically decided in sealing him in an alternate dimension through the power of a rousing hip-hop style re-imagining of 'Inca Roads' by Frank Zappa Agent J had arranged for such an occasion. Knowing the result of such an action would be violent combustion, he chose to sacrifice himself in his best buddy's place. J knew he must beat on, for his top lad's memories sake at least. With defiance Agent J rose up, grabbed his castanets and hilariously small violin and rode off, knowing he would in the face extreme danger, and not caring. Agents Morris and Spin gave him endearing and charismatic Dreamworks Animation style smirks, knowing his fondness for utter shit.

"Thanks guys, I needed that" J said, running his slender fingers along his erect pompadour.

"No problem, my goblin" Spin said, "but we've got some serious stuff to take care of".

"We do, huh?" J said, adjusting his sick shades broodingly "well then, I guess it's time for us to get **down to business** ".

"I guess we're back then?" Morris asked J.

"Yeah, I guess I'm **back** " J said, quite intimidatingly for some reason, maybe he just wanted to sound cool. Then they got on their horses and rode off to the destination the Horse-Sat-Nav took them to.


	2. Chapter 2: Foxy Grandpa

"Hmm?", "Huh?","What the hell?!"

Various civilians looked up to the sky to see a multitude of egg-fox-shaped structures decorate the sky.

"People of Neo-Montreal Canada!", shouted Dr Eggfox through a great big megaphone with a big spiral painted on it,

"My name is Naruto Humankind (AN: Uzumaki is Japanese for Humankind) a.k.a. Dr Eggfox! I am here to be welcomed as your new ruler!". Naruto said this to the people to let the people know him, Naruto Humankind, is their new ruler.

"Yeah that's right!" Sonia said, "You tell 'em Homage Humankind!".

"Shut the fuck up" Naruto said, shoveling sandwiches into his gape,"Get back in the ninja room".

"OK" said Sonia to Naruto. Sonia said this to Naruto so Naruto would hear this from Sonia. Naruto heard it with his **ears**.

"What the hell?!" said Chris Bores, "is this the ghosts?!" Chris Bores ran into the dumpster and as he was falling he got caught by...

...Chris Bore opened Chris Bores eyes so Chris Bores could see...

"...HOLD IT!" shouted Agent J to the enormous structures polluting the sky,"Poor grammar is the tuberculosis of adult illiteracy, and carbon emissions are the myxomatosis OF THE PLANETS EYES!"

*Myxomatosis by Radiohead starts playing*

"What the hell?!" Chris Bores said, realizing he awoke from his self-imposed unconsciousness in the arms of a tall, sharp dressed man wearing dark shades.

"Don't worry" said the beat agent, helping the irate man to his feet, "The name's Morris, this is Spin, and this is J, and we're the Elite Beat Agents! You're safe with us!"

"What the hell?!" said Chris Bores, trying to indicate that he has a severe mental disability, and then he ran away, stripping.

"Uhh...Lets do this thing!" Spin shouted enthusiastically, as they began their esoteric choreography. The surrounding civies watched in confusion and fear, they could not comprehend the nature of the beat as those who had agent training could. As the agents contorted their physical forms into bizarre and defiant shapes, large glowing buboes grew on the egg-fox machines, and they were eventually swallowed up by the fleshy growths, and were decomposed harmlessly into their constituent elements.

"NO!" Dr Eggfox shouted, only suddenly having got his shit together and actually paying attention to what was going on, a multitude of sandwiches flopping out of the edgy corners of his mouth.

"How can this BE!" His confidant Sonia screeched.

"Shut the fuck up!", Dr Eggfox said, like a piece of mahogany.

"Believe this!" J shouted as the music ended, and only Dr Eggfox's flagship remained.

"You gosh darn fools!" Dr Eggfox said, he wasn't swearing because he was a good christian.

"We will have our revenge!" Sonia said, receiving a glare from the big foxy man.

"We will have our revenge" Naruto said, "So says Naruto Humankind Wave Wind Robotnick a.k.a. Dr Eggf-uuuuuucckkk!" said the ninja-scientist, as his ship fell from the sky due to the large tumors having ate the engine. He made some hand signs and him, Sonia, and his other valuable objects, teleported somewhere else.

"Looks like he got away" said Morris, combing flecks of carbon and metal out of his large Afro.

"Yeah sure but don't worry, if he shows his big dumb gay face we'll just beat him again!" said a now completely naked Irate Gamer. They all glared at him

"Man we should, like, go home" said J, slightly disturbed. The other beat agents silently nodded in agreement and left before the many civilians whose lives they had saved could make a big fuss and distract the agents from their work. Chris Bores sat down, and cried.


End file.
